you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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