Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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