you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
