Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
