Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
