I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
