I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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