you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
