Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
