What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
