dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
