He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
