If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
