chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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