nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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