I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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