Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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