Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
