porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
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Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
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Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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