im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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