I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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