marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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