she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
