Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
