Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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