you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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