haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
