I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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