Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
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I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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