just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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