dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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