you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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