i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just found puke in my bra..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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