I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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