My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
