I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
