This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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