so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So here I am, sexting at work.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
