I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
