i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
