This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
