oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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