You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
