nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
