I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
