Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
