Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
