No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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