My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
