today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How does one acquire holy water?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
