I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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