Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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