im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
