Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
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His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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