I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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