im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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