His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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